Okay, so I was supposed to write about a person who inspired me, and that was totally what I planned to do. I was going to write about Leslie Knope. She’s funny, she knows how to fight for what she wants, and she’s a great friend. But instead I want to talk about (surprise) Disney World. Because today is a day where I’m missing it more than extra.
I’m angry. I’m angry I applied to the Disney College Program and didn’t get in. I’m angry that even when I planned to go down and work seasonally during those months, I couldn’t afford it because no one would take over my lease in Abilene. I’m angry that even if I had gone down to Disney, I’d either be getting overworked and unable to give away my shifts as a CP, or I’d be getting absolutely no shifts as an underworked seasonal Cast Member. I’m angry, and I’m hurting.
I planned my life (or at least 2017) out in the last couple months of my college career. I was going to go to Disney January – May and do the college program, and once that was over I would begin an internship with Cru. I knew this was all uncertain, but it was my picture perfect world. When God closed those doors in my face, leaving my with a rejection from Disney, five more months of rent to pay, and a totaled car, I was confused, and at times I was a panicked mess.
Since then I have found a wonderful job and community in my hometown, and my parents have been gracious enough to let me live with them while I sort everything out. So yes, I’m learning to give gratitude through all my strive.
But I’m also learning that lamenting is okay.
It’s okay for me to be angry. It’s okay for me to miss the place that taught me so much about myself, and helped me to believe in magic. It’s okay to ask God why He’s called me to the circumstances He has called me to right now. It’s okay to cry on a bad day.
Because God can take your anger.
My church is about to start a 21 day fast. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to fast from or what I’m going to fast toward, but I know I need more time with the Lord. It has been so long since I’ve truly had a community, a small group of church friends building me up toward God and what He’s teaching me. Maybe that’s why God has me here. Not only to invest in the community He has put me in, but to be invested in in return.
So to anyone out there who thinks I have my life together, who thinks I’m the most grateful person alive (does anyone think that? probably not), I assure you I am completely broken. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life most days. I’m still learning, I’m still hurting.
But lamenting amidst gratitude is okay too.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m being grateful that God can take my burdens and carry them. I’m being grateful He has a plan for life when I feel like I’m wandering around aimlessly. Thank you God.